i can't believe i'm sharing this...

Ok. It's time for confessions. 

Big confessions.

Part of me hesitates sharing this...at all...because it is so wretched and hilariously disgusting. I feel like my blogs would be difficult to read. Maybe I should make two separate ones. One with a pen name and just write out embarrassing moments. Then the other one can be my more serious and thoughtful collection. I just feel like I am confusing people. Oh well, I guess this isn't for anyone in particular...so here goes....

Like this is ridiculous and anyone, if anyone, who reads this might be so bothered that they stop. And that's ok.

So here's the deal. We're in Jamaica right? It's our last day right? 

Let me just preface this by saying that I am pretty consistent in my bodily flow, meaning I average about 5 stool passes per day. That's an average. (I know. We thought it was a problem. But the doctor said it was ok.) So, knowing that I tend towards that kind of high number, any number less than that, is, well, kind of painful. 

I get to Jamaica. The first day my average is pretty low. That's ok. All is well. At least I'm doing it. Well, two days pass...and no flushing for me...To say the least it was quite painful and I will never take a laxative ever again. I hate them. But I mean, understanding that I was rather "backed up" before, any opportunity I received to process human waste, I took in strides of glory with shouts of mass exodus. (Matt Dingler may or may not have prayed over me.)

So. When I had to go. I would go. There was no holding back. Preface concluded.

It's the last day. We get to Ocho Rios. I'm pumped to snorkel. I'm actually an incredible snorkeler. I wish there was a snorkel sport. Baseball is America's past time. Snorkeling is Emily's past time. 

Here's the deal though. To really see anything of real use, you usually pay an extra 5 flat to get this humdigy boat to take you out about 1/4 to 1/2 miles off the beach. I thought to just swim out there. And to stay out there for 3.5 hours. 

I'm floating out in the water. I took/tour guided this high school-soon-to-be-couple out to where the real coral was at. I took full ownership of this truly authoritative snorkel leadership, swimming ahead to make sure that they would be safe. So, I'm sitting there just acting like I'm not watching or whatever, treading water and such...and this revolving washer like pain swirled in my stomach. 

It was coming. I had to go. And bad. Real bad. 

There was no way I could get back. I mean that was like a .5 mile swim, and it may have been worse to leak. THERE WAS NO OTHER OPTION! So, I made the necessary adjustments and let loose the human canon.  

Well, as we know from physics, salt water causes a floatation effect. I mean this human waste was rather hefty in size and firm in character and it plopped up right behind me. Right behind me! 

So, I swam away from it...a little to the left. I look up to see the two students swimming underwater toward me. Kelsey was coming to my left....and "nameless" was coming to my right...to my far right...getting rather closer, and closer, and closer, and closer to the....."oh my gosh, did he just swim into my....oh my gosh...no. no no."

I went into a frantic as I saw this high school students head literally knock my waste, propel my waste forward...it was awful. 

And worse. Right after he hit it, he popped his head out of the water. 

I'm thinking of all these lies...all these things I can say...I was going to LIE to this student's face, to his stained forehead. 

"Oh, whoa, that's an odd looking string....uh chunk...of seaweed."

"Oo buddy, I think you hit some of the coral up...Yeah that is an odd looking piece of coral..."

I mean, I am running through every creative thought and they all seem negligent. I mean, I can't lie to this student! That's like a triple sin. First, I stained the ocean. Then, I allow this student to swim into it. Third, I LIE and tell him it's just a J-shaped coral! 

Wrong. Everything just seemed wrong. 

But he popped his head out of water and looked at me, while this piece of...well...waste...is bobbing right below his peripheral vision. It's just bobbing there! 

"So, uh Emily, where should we go next?"

HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! 

I mean there it was, sitting, bobbing, floating in the waves right below his chin...and he had NO CLUE what he hit...

I was shutter shocked. How did he miss it? But ok...."Uh, yeah, right this way....follow me..."

Oh my gosh. I am the worst of the worst. I am so low on self esteem because I, literally, stunk as a snorkel tour guide. The only thing I guided him into was human Jamaican turd. 

It hit him in the head! And he has NO idea! 

That is so horrible. I should be banned. I feel like I should apologize...but what would I say..."uh hey man, remember the other day that I led you into fields of beautiful coral and tropical fish....well, uh....I may have led you into a little more than that....uh...."

Can I ever be forgiven for such a heinous sin?!