a grouped maybe

Maybe what I am hoping for doesn't exist. I ask that question- what do I hope for? Maybe, by chance, I'm hoping for the wrong things. Maybe what I'm waiting for is misunderstood. Maybe my waiting is all ready acquainted with what is actual. I'm waiting for some kind of earthly restoration, for some kind of strengthening period. Maybe that's not what redemption, really, is about. Maybe my life and the lives of others having powerfully good outcomes is not, really, why I am here. I'm coming more and more to believe that this life, or that my "obedience" is not about me. (Its tough to explain fully without relaying the thoughts preluding this). I don't know if goodness from God is going to mean having a family restored on earth. I don't know if His goodness can be categorized by removing painfully abusive experiences. I don't know if I believe that restoration means having a life pieced together on the terms that I perceive as just or unjust, right or wrong. I think my ideas of what I need or what I think would move towards restoration are wrong. I guess I am coming more and more to believe that "restoration" or "redemption" applies solely to the tension that existed between me and Him, us and Him. Our lives having redeeming qualities are simply, I think I believe, a by product of the redemption that occurs in the vertical relationship first. I don't know if I believe that my life having some kind of trivial good is all that necessary. At least for now. The only redemption that is truly necessary is the reconciliation of my relationship to Him-in a way that fights for the renewal of the inner self....being a transformation of my previous condition as wicked. (Wicked and previous don't seem to be mutually exclusive though, not fully). But I guess that that's the only reconciliation that matters, which is not to discredit or devalue earthly and human reconciliation on terms of purposeless.  Of course from this vertical, true and real and authentic renewal of self to Him will, usually, pour a life that has redeeming, tangible, and outwardly visible qualities--as the inner renewal creates an outpour, flooding to the furthest extremities of a persons visible life. That would be called perfection--but the purpose of my life is a disease like spread of holiness, that must begin from within. It's almost like a righteous cancer, in the mentality that from the inside this disease begins and spreads and spreads, and then, when without treatments, causes a full surrender, some may call decay, with time. Interesting to think of holiness like a twisted from of righteous cancer. (The idea of treatment is unnecessary to my image) But, like cancer, it, being holiness or Christ-likeness, begins with a small region of the human self, from the central function, and then spreads and grows into all functions of the body. Like a bloodstream of righteousness. Once the righteous cancer pours itself into every vein, artery, muscle, bone, and marrow, the man then fully dies to self, his old life then, fully, broken and deteriorating away. 

This makes some kind of backward sense to me. So, what I am waiting for is not solely or expectantly, that my life will exhibit some kind of familial, relational, or external good occuring in those around me. That's not what I ache for. because those things are not promised. at least not in this life. I do not believe in an obedience of legalism, thinking that if I obey and follow Him, that my life will be full of blessing--this life on earth. I don't think obedience is about that. I think, more and more, that this life is less about me. I don't just "obey" to receive. I don't even know what obedience would necessarily be. If perfectly, it would be an outpour of gratitude. It's not about me having a good family, or one that's put together. It's not about that. It's not about me never experiencing abuse or pain. It's not about that either. Life is solely, the life of someone wanting to follow God, about the continual reconciling of self to Him; his righteous, holy cancer spreading to every bone, blood, and muscle of my body. 

I think, and I don't know why fully, that humans have value to God. In midst of circumstance, of looking at the world, I can't get past the abuse, the poverty, the death, the depression, the addiction, and the pain. Those are what most would call either injustice or brokenness or torture or suffering. These things, I can't escape it. They happen. "So you have to choose. You have one of two options. Either the tortures are unnecessary and there is no God, or a bad one. Or, the tortures are necessary, and there is a good God. You have to choose." I am coming to believe that there is a good God, and that, for the most part, these tortures are necessary. 

(I'm still struggling with these options). I don't know why. I don't think it's just to strengthen us or for some kind of trivial good. I don't believe that that is His only purpose of allowing evil. I too, don't think evil is always necessary---there are sometimes other options from which man can choose. But the choice doesn't negate a good God, or an absent one. 

I have called Christianity a psychological manipulation. But that still seems limited. And maybe wrong. 

I don't know why there is such evil and such heart shattering pain. And I don't know why some experience pain in severe circumstance and some in stubbed toes. I can't answer that. I know I can work towards alleviating certain social injustices and towards righting certain wrongs. But in that I know I am also limited. At some point I reach the conclusion that I have value, but my ability to change or to make change is still limited. If we "fix" one evil, another always form. that used to be defeating, and can at times still be. But the fact that evil continues to exist doesn't mean that the follower of God gives up, retires, in seeking to make justice. Just now though, there is understanding that my actions have a limitation. Which can be both comforting and an allotment to trust. 

I can't get past a God who is there. And I can't escape who I was or where I've been. I can only draw one conclusion. That I don't have any other options except redemption. It's what my heart aches for, waiting for Him to intervene exhaustively in every facet and extremity of my life. The aching now is for the reconciliation, in full, of myself to Him. The desire to improve the conditions of man is out of some form of gratitude and trust in what his righteous cancer is doing within, and powerfully so. The fear, well... that I would forget, and keep trusting myself.