redemption. "His love", hope, etc.
I listen to friends. I attend shows. I share in conversation, and always falter back to a perspective, or to a tension of belief. Belief is the catalyst for action. Lately, of nay I say to action.
If you do not believe in immortality, more I say, in the absolute redemptive and spiritual fulfillment that occurs after this life-this present life, these present circumstances have limitations in actions and thoughts. If you do not care to give rise or to challenge pain by our belittled understanding of hope-a simple, common, redundant vernacular-then choosing to follow the teachings of Christ and of what is understood (although not without interpretation)-this life will falter, will fail to be rewarding. Complaints of God's silence will ring ever more powerfully because we are waiting for some kind of spiritual fulfillment, full excitement, complete satisfaction, on earth. If you do not believe in an eternity, or, choose another word that can more powerfully surrender tot he acclaim of redemption, then you will forever be praying to a cloud, of non-existence, of silence. You will forever be struggling with a life of oppression, repression. Because this life that Christ offers, or demands, exudes waiting-patience. It is, if under a limited perspective, oppressing.
To follow, to parallel Him seems to defy that which is common to man, the natural desires of both body and mind. Although sounding arrogant-what I mean to say is that, in terms of something as simply complex as sexuality, following what God says seems oppressing-causing man to repress certain desires, or to not act fully upon. (One question I ask. According to Christians, what or how does one live as a fully holy, but sexual being, obedient to Him?)
The Christian life, if you don't trust fully in an engaging, spiritually fulfilling, and loving God, is simply talking to a cloud, following the next ant to the sanded hill, on a diet of celery sticks and pickles. If eternity is not our waiting and hope not our present occupation, then obedience in this life is formidably exhausting and preludes a repentance of doctrine.
Question. And what is obedience? What is obedience in America, a land of freedom and apathy? But the double check, triple check to a fervent desire to know and trust and live in this beautiful life only offered through Him. How confused with behaviorism. Redemption sold on morality, spirituality excluded.
He, and I say He not without fear of epistemology, has given an inescapable force, at least to my present knowledge, that two powers are at work. I can say good and evil-but in a culture of emergence and of epistemological lighthouses that will not persuade the Socratic, yet still Euclidean, mind. Perhaps justice and injustice? (Numbers of this day hate right versus wrong-but I feel no need to simply accommodate the reader's socialized attitude of temperance in relation with justice.) All to say, I see in my life two forces at work, two desires--and it is an exhausting tension. Can be or has been.
Last night I realized that there are two things I questions. Two ideas I can not sufficiently marry. There are two things I question primarily, but I will counter or confuse with questions of seemingly philosophical thought. Eh, not always, but at times.
They are as simple and as seemingly ignorant as these: Is God good, or is He psychologically, manipulatively egocentric, which in my arrogant mind is evil? And, if He is good, does He really, could He really, how do I know He really loves me?
Trust that an academia stemmed from protestant thought has shed wisdom on the belief and saving hope, they call it, of the cross. But, at times, that mammal-like, evolutionary cling has lead me to a fear of manipulation.
If God is good, and if I believe He really loves me-(meaning what?)-then I can follow Him in times that seem oppressing, silent, or manipulative. Because the only thing at stake then is either my arrogance or my ignorance. If He is not good and if He does not love, then this present life will be one of either cultural accommodation or pragmatic, Christian-legislative, oppression, devoid of spirituality.
From these two beliefs stem an array of questions, thoughts, valleys, struggles. I would say that my struggle is the latter of these questions--it is one of value to an infinite creator. If I understand the process of salvation correctly-then I am not now questioning a need for a Savior-if, again, I am following the process of Christian salvation.
Due to past wickedness and present struggle, the seemingly manipulative need for a Savior is not dimmed by a pompous power in an ability to follow correctly. The need, "my need", is rampant. (Which is precisely why it seems manipulative).
However, aside from my wondering if, because of my "sin" He could really love and forgive and justify me, I am asking on a completely rational basis...(as if anything can be completely rational.)
I am not simply "over that" but am, rather, excluding it momentarily. Not excluding. Eh, All to say, I love, if what the Bible says is true, that He came for the scum. I am, not due to neglect or passivity or negative esteem, that scum. I am that scum--in it's greatest capacity. (Not a matter of feigned humility either).
The question is not one of need. Tis rather, one of simple misunderstanding. Does the God, creator of the cosmos, across generations, royal over time--does that God truly and belovedly love me? (I've read the christianism ish you'll throw at me).
But does He really? Does He really care about me? Insignificant me? Dying me? Passing me?
(and it is my hope that this is not some simple flip flop of arrogance running in parallel, only with a facade of humility).
But it almost seems silly and contradictory that the God of the Universe loves someone as temporary as me. That means, if I believe what God and the Bible profess--that He is not only bringing glory to Himself through creation(at times at the expense of earthly joys in my life and the lives of others), but while, He is simultaneously loving and caring and pouring His sweetest sacrifice (which is such a bizarre concept present day) out for me. If He loves me and is bringing glory to Himself--it leaves me in a frustrating mystery of absolute awe and confusion at the dual risk and dual choice-while, of course, that alludes to my limited cognition.
I can hardly combine power and glory with that of something as simple as carpenter, Jewish love. It seems in limbo. A striking contradiction. To say that all this is for "his glory," and to throw out terms of his endearment towards man, seem in complete and utter contradiction when examining the temporary and dying world. These two beliefs are in limbo, seemingly.
Yet, I falter it as madness or as truth.
And if truth, I believe it as the maddest and wildest story ever written. And if truth, I believe it as the only one.
---now you'll ask about islam, hindu, buddhist beliefs. etc.
Every great math problem seems an addition to a simple prerequisite. Which, I must understand a matter in simplest terms before building a procession of claims-otherwise my claims are ignorant, and hypocritical. (While a bit of ignorance is fundamental to belief in the faith of Jesus). Some call that the beauty of faith. I call it an abuse of loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind. It is loving God, at times, absent of the mind. Ah, but erase this end, as it is justification for my epistemological simplicity, and a passive aggression towards an apathetic generation of church-goers and quota fulfilling "Christians."
Oh, marriage.
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